Cross My Heart
by WarmBodies4Life
Summary: (Female!Bucky Barnes & Pre-Serum Steve Rogers) Bucky comes home with the sad news that she will leave tomorrow to help with the ongoing war. Steve feels as useless as ever and Bucky makes everything better. Everything falls in place as it was intended, but Steve realizes somethings a little too late. [Taking place in the: When Somebody Loved Me Universe]


_It has to be today._

Any day now, Bucky was leaving to be trained for war.

And Steve has a gut-twisting feeling that she was admitted today.

Bucky being Bucky of course nudged her way into a experimental group for woman - seeing if they possessed the same skills as men. Steve really shouldn't be surprised, he's always known Bucky to be a great fighter, so of course she was selected. _Hell_, he _knew_ she'd pass - having seen her kick the asses of countless men before. Most of them for his sake.

And the small man is happy for her, he really is. He just feels like _he_ should be shipped out to a training camp too. It's just a few health problems, what harm could come from letting him join anyway?

_"Well, just give me a chance," Steve pleaded once more, hoping for a bone to be thrown at him for once in his life._

_The man sighs as he reaches to grab the rejection stamp. "You'll be ineligible on your asthma alone."_

_"Is there anything you can do?" Steve presses._

_The man's patience meets it's end. "I'm doing it," He mutters, stamping Steve's form with a big 4F, "I'm saving your life."_

Sighing to himself, he looks up just in time to see a shooting star. Although childish, he finds himself leaning forward towards the window, watching the ball of light shoot across the sky gracefully. Rubbing his thumbs together his brow furrows sadly as his gaze drops to his hands.

_I wish_, Steve thought, _...I wish I had a healthy body. A big, strong body. One that could serve in the war, go out in the winter, and could rid me of all of these illnesses._ A few beats pass, and when Steve looks up the shooting star is gone and the front door slams open.

A muffled curse is heard from the entrance, causing the blonde to chuckle at the familiar noise. This incident would only happen when Bucky used too much of her strength - the door would swing open and bounce on the makeshift, door-stopper thing Steve made - sending the door right into Bucky's face.

After the fifth time it happened, Steve threw the damn thing away. He was a sketch artist not an inventor after all - but the very next day it found it's way to the exact place it was originally. Steve didn't say anything, and nether did Bucky. But the small man still has a pretty good idea of how it ended up back there once more.

"Steve? I'm home!" The brunette called out, not only informing Steve - but also all of the neighbors in the process. He didn't yell back to her, obviously she was only a few feet away. The sound of clothes shifting echoed in the small apartment. Instead of cheerfully footsteps skipping over to join Steve on the couch, abnormal, soft steps were taken towards the couch.

In a moment of dread, Steve forced himself to choke back a girly sob. _This is it_, Steve thinks as he shuts his eyes tightly, a weight joining him on the ratty couch. He keeps his eyes shut, not wanting to look at whatever Bucky was wearing. She huffed out a soft sigh before murmuring, "_Steve_..."

As much as he didn't want to, he slowly turned to find exactly what he dreaded: an army-issued uniform, complete with qualification badges and functioning pockets. If the blonde wasn't so stressed in that moment, it might have dawned on him that this was the most expensive thing Bucky had ever worn.

"You got your orders?" He asked casually, his voice only wavering a bit. Her eyes meet Steve's with a nod, she then - even in the dim light of their single lamp - visibly swallows. Bucky was even shaking a bit too, nervousness and anxiety crept into her tone as she tried, "P-pretty cool, huh?" Steve slumped a little.

_I'm being so selfish. Bucky is shaking, dammit! Comfort her_, Steve thought. _She's practically being sent straight to war tomorrow. They won't hesitate to send her somewhere once they see what she can do._

When Steve attempts to hug her, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by Bucky. And it's fine, this is one of the only things he is useful for. But even in this situation, he finds himself smiling as he is crushed a bit more. One of things he likes most about Bucky is that she doesn't treat him like he is made of glass. Well, _at least not all the time_.

A moment passes before Steve realizes that Bucky isn't crying as he thought she probably would, nor was she shaking anymore. Wiggling out of her grip, his small head pops up between Bucky's arms and their eyes lock. "Steve?" She offers, a lopsided smile forming on her face as she frees Steve.

"Yeah?" Even though Steve can move around with as much ease as he normally can, he sticks next to Bucky and holds her eye contact politely. "I'll come back," Bucky says - no, _states_. Much more than a promise. Bucky breaks their gaze subtly, turning to the window. The blonde can't help but feel an odd flutter in his stomach as he watches the moonlight bath her face.

"I'd be a pretty bad friend if I didn't, wouldn't I?" Steve doesn't respond, just silently listened. He'd been expecting a speech, but this seemed a little different. Like something unspoken was lingering in the air - slowly choking him. "So, obviously I'm not not gunna die. Because Steve Rogers deserves the best, therefore I can't let myself get killed over a dumb war. There is no way in _hell_, I'm going to a bad friend.

"So I'll come back. _I have too_," a brief pause, "And it's not...it's not_ that_ horrible and - well... _I mean_, it _is_ but - " A groan of frustration erupts from Bucky before she whips her head around to face him. "I-I can't sugar-coat this, Steve! And I'm so sorry I have to go do this..."

Bucky's breathing becomes ragged, her words crackling as she continued. "And - and I know you want to help and I wish you could! I wish we could clean up this mess together! I really do, but...you're...you're..." Her words started to blur together, tears running down her face.

The asthmatic didn't mean for his tone to come out so harsh. So cruel and forced. But his disabilities had been bothering him so much more than usual. He just wanted to serve his country! Why couldn't he at least have a chance?

"_What_, Bucky?" Steve asked with fake fascination, the woman's tears not visible while she was facing him. "Weak? Pathetic? Useless?" The man paused again, laughing a bit at his own misfortune. Suddenly on his feet, he turned away from his roommate and just stood there.

Two seconds passed before Steve muttered, "I'm...I'm an_ invalid_." Bucky stumbled to her feet the second her brain registered what the younger person said. Although she seemed to have loss all of her vertigo momentarily, she wobbled over to Steve and grabbed his shoulders from behind gently. "N-no! No that's not - " The brunette whimpered into Steve's hair. After taking a moment to regain control over her body, Bucky bravely continued after forcibly turning the small man completely around.

"_Look_, I know you will always kick yourself because of all of your flaws - _but thinking that_? _That_ _is unacceptable_, Steven." Bucky's tone is now sharp, but also possessing that motherly edge that Steve had grown used to over the years. "...Can I tell you something?"

Steve knows were this is heading, so he shakes his head and chuckles darkly - still celebrating his pity party. "Buck, I don't need the whole 'I'm important and very special' speech, it's seriously starting to get - " The frail man's words got caught in his throat when he made eye contact with Bucky, his mouth gapes much like a fish's as he tries to press on. A headlight glare passing at just the right angle causes the trails of tears on her face to sparkle for a moment, a tidal wave of guilt raining down upon Steve unforgivably.

Bucky holds her glare, a '_tisk, tisk'_ expression she hadn't used since Steve was ten. "Fine. Okay..._okay._.." Steve agreed in defeat, trying to mask how bad he felt that he dumped all of his problems on her the moment she needed him the most. He'd always been a burden to Bucky, he'd never be able to pay her back. The absolute least he could do was listen to what she had to say.

She took a very large breath before she started to speak, her exhale coming out bumpy and tired. "Steve, I just want you to know why I look at you the way I do. Why I don't think you're weak, pathetic, or useless," she began steadily, her voice fairly even. "Every morning I get up, go downtown and try to get lettuce anywhere I can. Now, you can imagine I run into some unsavory people - and believe me,_ I do_ - but I also get the opportunity to _watch_ them.

"I notice how they cheat and lie. Trick and tease. Using and abusing their talents as if they were an everyday, normal ability to have. Afterwards I come home to a cooked meal and a clean home and sit down to eat with my best friend. The only days this doesn't happen are the days you are ill. Sick in bed or dying in a hospital. Being your best friend, I of course watch over you when you are so extremely frail and sick, making sure you're as comfortable as you can be before I grab a chair to sit by your side. So many times the doctors have told me that you weren't going to make it, that this was it and that I better say my goodbyes," Bucky paused sadly, her head hanging a bit in angst.

Steve was engrossed in Bucky's speech, it was far different from what he expected and was admittedly curious to hear the rest of it. "And to my misjudgment, many times I thought they were right. But you always amazed them and got better so quickly afterwards. You amazed _me_."

The brunette cleared her throat and sniffled a bit, the tears leaving her nose clogged and face burning. "And...and so I watched those men disappear one by one, recruited for war and heading off to serve good ol' Uncle Sam. While at the same time I watched you fall down and get back up, refusing to surrender - whether your enemy be your own body, or a common fat-head. And I watched everyone I bumped into whist searching for a job of sorts. One day there was a bar fight where I was working and I had to break it up. It was pretty easy, the two I kicked out were just some souses - no one special.

"And as I watched them both stumble back to wherever they came from, a revelation came to me: seeing two men throw around some big, dumb muscle wasn't an act of strength. But the act of staying out a bit late to carry up your neighbors groceries even when you could barely carry your own was. An act of protecting a stranger from a bully was. An act of entering a hospital with the flu and leaving with a small cough _most definitely was,_" Bucky breathed, searching deep into Steve's eyes.

The blonde mirrored her, trying to find the answer to something. What was this feeling in his stomach? That feeling he got as he searched Bucky's pale, blue eyes.

"That, is why _you_ - Steven Grant Rogers - are the strongest, bravest, kindest, smartest, most-talented person I have ever met," She whispered as if she hadn't breathed in years, her voice was raw with ache and demanded cold water.

The next thing Steve knows he is wrapped in Bucky's arms once more, this time however, they are both sobbing for what they're worth. Then they are on the cough together, the sobs which had turned into soft cries are quieting and after an hour or so they fall asleep in each others arms.

In the morning Bucky has to leave, but she promises she will return. She warns Steve not to do anything stupid. Not to get into too many fights or work himself to death. But a few words are exchanged before she really has to leave. They share an embrace behind the closed door and Bucky kisses the top of Steve's head after closing her eyes - catching him of guard. Bucky doesn't seem to notice his distress however and softly says, "I love you so much, Stevie. You're like the brother I never had."

The small man's heart leaps to his throat and he nervously blinks, sweat forming at his brow. "Remember your p-promise, jerk," Steve murmurs as Bucky's eyes open. She chuckles happily, a large smile splitting her face.

"How could I ever forget a punk like you?"

Steve smiles too, laughing a bit as they pull away. Before opening the front door, Bucky turns around and salutes Steve - who nods at her with another chuckle. When the brunette slips out the front door, marching off to war, Steve realizes he is the biggest yuck in the world.

That was the moment he realized he was in love with his best friend: Jamie Buchanan Barnes.

Looking back at this now, he realizes that he shouldn't of wished for some big muscles and a strong physique - but for Bucky's safe return.


End file.
